A Teachable Moment

I was intrigued by the soundbites from the Oprah show about "teachable moments, and sufficiently moved, after the show, to write this piece. The soundbites were in reference the Chris Brown/Rihanna blowout, a few weeks ago. Oprah felt that this blowout was an opportunity for us all to learn something about domestic violence. Oprah brought together several victims of domestic violence and talked to them about their experiences. This was all well and good, but I felt that the moment wasn't teachable enough. We all feel sympathy for these victims, domestic violence statistics are shameful, abusers need professional help, blah, blah, blah. We know all this stuff, and frankly a good number of people in this country and around the world are not sympathetic, live the lie of domestic violence, and blame the victim. How about a teachable moment for the unsympathetic? O.K. you've had your crack at it Oprah. Let me see if I can help.



Here's the first piece of knowledge. You can talk till you are blue in the face(the unsympathetic I mean). You can blame the victim. You can justify your behavior until your lips fall off. Not now or ever does anyone have the right to violate any body's personal space. The moment you strike, slap, kick, throw etc... into some body's personal space YOU ARE IN THE WRONG! This is not negotiable i.e. she kicked me so I had to punch her. You are still in the wrong and in violation of the law. Fine, arrest her too. YOU ARE STILL IN VIOLATION OF THE LAW! I don't use caps a lot, but people committing domestic violence are always weak on this point of law.

When you violate a loved one's space you open up a Pandora's Box of consequence's. You run the risk of being jailed(an experience you'll never forget, although you'll try really hard to), lose visitation with children, lose the love of the victim, pay fines, live under an Order of Protection, make it into a local newspaper, and live with the knowledge that all your neighbors, coworkers, inhabitants of your town or county know that you can't control yourself, and maybe even make it on the six o'clock news. How's that for embarrassment? Like any competent abuser you're thinking "oh, the victim's going to drop the charges", well think again because in many locales it's not up to the victim anymore. Nor should it be.

At a bare minimum, STOP VIOLATING THE PERSONAL SPACE OF OTHERS! Why do I shout? Because even after all I've said about humiliation and consequences, the majority of batterers have still not got the message. That's right. They are consumed with the past and controlling the victim. Sadly, in many cases the root cause lies in the batterer's past or childhood abuse. THIS IS NOT TO JUSTIFY ABUSING SOMEONE IN THE PRESENT! There is treatment and counseling available for batterer and victim. Oh, you think that's humiliating? You don't need it? You'll need it after you spend time in jail. Maybe it's preferable to supervised visitation with your children. Possibly, it's better than the entire community knowing you have no impulse control.

I say to all batterers, Pay now or pay later! When you refuse to take responsibility for YOUR action of abusing someone you love, it's your life that is ruined. It's your family that is destroyed. It's your reputation in the community. It's your personal freedom that is taken away by being jailed. It's all on you! I say all of the above to say this, maybe treatment, counseling and change is a smaller price to pay.