Fate

I have been recently thinking about fate, and what's to be my fate.

If my present existance is my fate I'm about to do a 180. My life feels really boring. Of the two guys that I've met recently, both are not even friend material. I've been stumped for something to write about. Nothing much is in the news, nothing I feel like weighing in on. I know how to stir it up though--I'm going to quit smoking. That will rattle my cage for sure.

The worst time of the day for my smoking is first thing in the morning. My stop smoking plan includes a run(as much as I can really run anymore) first thing in the morning. Nicotine replacements(gum and inhaler have been bought) have been stocked up on. In two weeks I won't be complaining about boredom anymore. You can look forward to a number of rants, paragraphs going nowhere, and tense rhetoric from me. The first couple of days I'm evil. The running helps burn off tension and allows me to keep some of my sanity. I quit 20 years ago for two years, so I know with help I can kick the cancer sticks.

Now, onto the two men I met. One online. One in person. I don't know what to do with the online one except stop responding. He directs me to his Facebook page to look at pictures of cars, buildings, houses, none of which I recognize. I'm like "What the fu..!" There aren't even any titles, descriptions, nothing on the photos. I've written to him about what's going on with me, asked him questions, asked his opinion. He'll respond with something impersonal and of a totally different subject. I just can't relate.

Corresponding with someone online gives you a huge amount of freedom. The person doesn't know where you live, where you work, or any other stalker information. I feel free to open up. State my opinions. Some people at least feel this way, some are just balled up inside their own little clamshell. Chances are good that you'll never even see your correspondant, go on, take a chance, and let a little of yourself out for the rest of us to see.

I used to be a scary little package. I never discussed my personal observations and thoughts and opinions. I couldn't talk about emotions(I'm not sure I was having any.) I was surely in the moment, all of the time. This would have been great for aquaintances, unfortunately I was in friendships and relationships, and those people had expectations of me being emotionally there for them. Which I was not. Could not be.

Where am I going with the paragraphs' above? I have an emotional life and emotional needs now. I'd like to get some of my needs met through my writing, particularly through my friendships where we write to one another. What's the point of idle chit chat all the time? I need something a little deeper most of the times. So, I give myself the permission to go out and find something that fits my needs.

Hopefully my fate is to have a few more years(after all I'm 47 and could go at any time) to do what is right for me. Unfortunately, I always seem to be caught up in what I should be doing for others. Well I say, the hell with that! The hell with worrying if I'm doing things the way every body else is! I should worry about me.