A Teachable Moment

I was intrigued by the soundbites from the Oprah show about "teachable moments, and sufficiently moved, after the show, to write this piece. The soundbites were in reference the Chris Brown/Rihanna blowout, a few weeks ago. Oprah felt that this blowout was an opportunity for us all to learn something about domestic violence. Oprah brought together several victims of domestic violence and talked to them about their experiences. This was all well and good, but I felt that the moment wasn't teachable enough. We all feel sympathy for these victims, domestic violence statistics are shameful, abusers need professional help, blah, blah, blah. We know all this stuff, and frankly a good number of people in this country and around the world are not sympathetic, live the lie of domestic violence, and blame the victim. How about a teachable moment for the unsympathetic? O.K. you've had your crack at it Oprah. Let me see if I can help.



Here's the first piece of knowledge. You can talk till you are blue in the face(the unsympathetic I mean). You can blame the victim. You can justify your behavior until your lips fall off. Not now or ever does anyone have the right to violate any body's personal space. The moment you strike, slap, kick, throw etc... into some body's personal space YOU ARE IN THE WRONG! This is not negotiable i.e. she kicked me so I had to punch her. You are still in the wrong and in violation of the law. Fine, arrest her too. YOU ARE STILL IN VIOLATION OF THE LAW! I don't use caps a lot, but people committing domestic violence are always weak on this point of law.

When you violate a loved one's space you open up a Pandora's Box of consequence's. You run the risk of being jailed(an experience you'll never forget, although you'll try really hard to), lose visitation with children, lose the love of the victim, pay fines, live under an Order of Protection, make it into a local newspaper, and live with the knowledge that all your neighbors, coworkers, inhabitants of your town or county know that you can't control yourself, and maybe even make it on the six o'clock news. How's that for embarrassment? Like any competent abuser you're thinking "oh, the victim's going to drop the charges", well think again because in many locales it's not up to the victim anymore. Nor should it be.

At a bare minimum, STOP VIOLATING THE PERSONAL SPACE OF OTHERS! Why do I shout? Because even after all I've said about humiliation and consequences, the majority of batterers have still not got the message. That's right. They are consumed with the past and controlling the victim. Sadly, in many cases the root cause lies in the batterer's past or childhood abuse. THIS IS NOT TO JUSTIFY ABUSING SOMEONE IN THE PRESENT! There is treatment and counseling available for batterer and victim. Oh, you think that's humiliating? You don't need it? You'll need it after you spend time in jail. Maybe it's preferable to supervised visitation with your children. Possibly, it's better than the entire community knowing you have no impulse control.

I say to all batterers, Pay now or pay later! When you refuse to take responsibility for YOUR action of abusing someone you love, it's your life that is ruined. It's your family that is destroyed. It's your reputation in the community. It's your personal freedom that is taken away by being jailed. It's all on you! I say all of the above to say this, maybe treatment, counseling and change is a smaller price to pay.

Fate

I have been recently thinking about fate, and what's to be my fate.

If my present existance is my fate I'm about to do a 180. My life feels really boring. Of the two guys that I've met recently, both are not even friend material. I've been stumped for something to write about. Nothing much is in the news, nothing I feel like weighing in on. I know how to stir it up though--I'm going to quit smoking. That will rattle my cage for sure.

The worst time of the day for my smoking is first thing in the morning. My stop smoking plan includes a run(as much as I can really run anymore) first thing in the morning. Nicotine replacements(gum and inhaler have been bought) have been stocked up on. In two weeks I won't be complaining about boredom anymore. You can look forward to a number of rants, paragraphs going nowhere, and tense rhetoric from me. The first couple of days I'm evil. The running helps burn off tension and allows me to keep some of my sanity. I quit 20 years ago for two years, so I know with help I can kick the cancer sticks.

Now, onto the two men I met. One online. One in person. I don't know what to do with the online one except stop responding. He directs me to his Facebook page to look at pictures of cars, buildings, houses, none of which I recognize. I'm like "What the fu..!" There aren't even any titles, descriptions, nothing on the photos. I've written to him about what's going on with me, asked him questions, asked his opinion. He'll respond with something impersonal and of a totally different subject. I just can't relate.

Corresponding with someone online gives you a huge amount of freedom. The person doesn't know where you live, where you work, or any other stalker information. I feel free to open up. State my opinions. Some people at least feel this way, some are just balled up inside their own little clamshell. Chances are good that you'll never even see your correspondant, go on, take a chance, and let a little of yourself out for the rest of us to see.

I used to be a scary little package. I never discussed my personal observations and thoughts and opinions. I couldn't talk about emotions(I'm not sure I was having any.) I was surely in the moment, all of the time. This would have been great for aquaintances, unfortunately I was in friendships and relationships, and those people had expectations of me being emotionally there for them. Which I was not. Could not be.

Where am I going with the paragraphs' above? I have an emotional life and emotional needs now. I'd like to get some of my needs met through my writing, particularly through my friendships where we write to one another. What's the point of idle chit chat all the time? I need something a little deeper most of the times. So, I give myself the permission to go out and find something that fits my needs.

Hopefully my fate is to have a few more years(after all I'm 47 and could go at any time) to do what is right for me. Unfortunately, I always seem to be caught up in what I should be doing for others. Well I say, the hell with that! The hell with worrying if I'm doing things the way every body else is! I should worry about me.

To Cry Or Not To Cry

The fallout from the T.V. show, The Bachelor, is raining down i.e. the very latest debate is concerning how many times Jason cried during the season finale. Fourteen times to be exact. Fourteen times sounds like a lot, but watching the show that night it didn't seem like too much. That is according to me. Quite frankly, I've watched The Bachelor(ette) over the years and after what they put the women through, these guys should be crying. All but one of an initial 25 women are told they are not the one, by a grimacing, shuffling, generally unemotional cad, albeit good-looking and buff.

I still watch the show with fascination however At the moment I'm not to crazy about Jason(current bachelor) because he broke up with the woman he asked to be his fiancee on national T.V. Then he got together with the runner up. I don't believe that the actual breakup should have been broadcast. The reason the show was so hot early this spring is that Jason was cute, he came across as very real, was patient. kind and funny, and he was A CRYER! Every woman watching(yes I'm willing to take this bet) wanted to see that he was for real, and that he genuinely cared for the two semifinalists, Molly and Melissa.

Molly was crazy enough to bungee-jump with Jason into a deep ravine in New Zealand. I could see the trust on her face when the two of them stepped out into thin air. By the way, you'll know I'm in love when you hear about me bungee-jumping. That jump requires a lot of faith, and there's nothing braver than a woman in love.

In the end, at one point or another, Jason betrayed both women's trust and still ended up with the girl. Why is that? Women, in general, will follow the man that has won their heart far beyond the end's of the earth. And notice I said "won". It's an action word which implies a man actively does things to prove his love. With this kind of guy it's not about money, looks, position in life for women. Save that for guys whose sole ambition is to get by. He wins her because he can see how special she is and treats her accordingly. He gives to her emotionally and becomes(as Dr. Phil would say) her safe place to fall. Jason hit these marks for the most part, or a least a heap more than the preceding bachelors. And women were transfixed.

I believe that his tears were genuine and so were his feelings for both women. Even his last minute change of heart about Melissa was goofily real and honest. He had to know how bad it was going to look on T.V., and he did it anyways. I like to think for love.

For the minority of women who were complaining about Jason's crying, you have my condolences. I don't trust a guy who can't shed a tear when he breaks a girl's heart, or when he makes a really bad decision. Too many men are already like Clint Eastwood in a Fistful Of Dollars, tough on the outside(although very handsome), tougher on the inside. No thank you. Life's tough enough as it is.